a closer look into someone who needs a dating website to meet guys

Hey, me again. What better way to get to know each other than post my dating profile. Since the dawn of time (myspace) scene girls everywhere have been meeting boys online. Now they all grew up and still have black hair and wear metal shirts. Guess what? I'm still scene as fuck. Except it's not Bane or Bridge Nine bands I'm into anymore. It's stoner metal. If you thought shows were cool at cobalt cafe wait until you see Om really fucked up on edibles at wherever that place was in Eagle Rock. Being an adult is awesome because you can rely on your poor friends to take care of you and drop you off at YOUR house so you can just wake up still stoned from the night before and not have to worry about mom or dad questioning your happenings the night before. You'd think that it would be easy to pick up hot "rocker" dudes at shows but guess what? You are way to busy getting drunk to figure that kinda shit out. So you turn to your new best friend, the internet. We go along way back the web and I. Started up my first email in 6th grade. What is so great about our generation is that we can say we remember the days without computers. It's weird to think now that my brother gets an iPod in elementary school and all I had was a CD player that skipped and had a bunch of shitty stickers all over it. Walking to high school I would use that CD player and it usually always blasted Orchid-Chaos is me or Hopesfall's Self-titled EP.  In about 11th grade I upgraded to the ever so famous iPod. Now in my spare time and/or on lunch breaks I will switch between okcupid and tinder. Both terrible and both horribly entertaining. At least on tinder you have the option of denying someone without having to receive their lame message. Okcupid on the other hand is a different story. The countless messages I get everyday are almost pathetic. Both will get you laid. The problem with dating websites is that more than likely the guy on them always has some sort of "emotional" issue or even physical. You know whats interesting and really, laughable is the fact that SIFS still exist and they come in the male form now. You gotta watch out ladies. Now a days I just present everything I got out in the open because I'm not trying to surprise nobody about my physical disabilities. This fat ass? Come and get it.

The problem with being a serial internet dater is that you have no skill set in how to snag a boyfriend that isn't incredibly fucked up in the head. Maybe one day you can grow up and not sleep with a dude on the first date... but I highly doubt it.

A series of awkward moments for you to visualize and remember what it's like to be in them.

• That time you were on a date and you took an already way to big bite of food and they watch as it falls right the fuck off your fork. 
• What about right after you did that and realized that there was sour cream all over your nose?
• Feeling fat because your shirt is too tight and you didn't realize you were going to be sitting down so much. I call em "standing outfits". 
• That one time you showed up to your okcupid date at a bar you already hate and the guy brought a friend. He is only playing Fleetwood Mac songs and singing them loudly. He's way cooler than your date and way shorter too.
• Lurking the internet for the last half hour during an actual hang out? I always chime into a conversation I wasn't paying attention to with a standard: "who?" "what?" or the ever classic "where?" 
• Taking your dates pants off and his dick is not just small but i mean really fucking small. 
• The other day when you had all that soap that spilled on your hands from that travel bag you were trying to clean and you go to wash it off and put on a different kind of soap to clean it off. 
• That one guy who didn't participate in any foreplay and only let you suck his dick before sex. I mean come the fuck on. 
• Your ex boyfriend talking to you about girls he's fucking and you trying to be ok with it because you are "cool".
• Hooking up with all your friends.
• Doing a double take on that guy you thought was hot and it ended up being a hobo. Don't lie to yourself, it's happened more than twice.
• Twisting the cap of your soda when its already off.
• Taking a drink of the bottle you are sipping on and the caps on.
• That moment you took a rip from a bong and thought "fuck i forgot to do my makeup". Proceeding to do your face really stoned and immediately regretting trying to do the cat eye for the first time in years. 
• When people walk up to your counter at work and don't realize they've had sex with you. 
• Having scoped out puke spots in front of the bar you are about to go into.

who are you?

Ah, Laundry day. The day you really test your fashion skills. Luckily for me, over the years I have been able to come up with a series of 3-5 go to outfits that I can throw on at any point of time. The worst part about it I'd say it's that old grimy pair of undies you get to pull out from underneath all the hosiery in your drawer. You know the pair. The ones from 6th grade you somehow magically fit in. All the stretch gone. Hopes lost and memories regained. They will do their job this day and you won't forget it. This weekend I went to Black Sabbath at the Hollywood Bowl. Lots of illegal pre-gaming in the car before hand off of Highland. Theres a time and place for a car shindig and if it's not before a metal band then kill me (literally). Here I am in all my magical glory. That leather vest is what dreams are made of. You ever wanted something so bad, then you get it, have sex in it and the world finally makes sense? That's the kinda place I am in currently with this outfit. Back to the show. We met up with one of my friends make out pals and it was one of those really awesome and awkward moments when you realized you don't care about what anyone thinks and just start partying really hard. Hanging out with a bunch of people you don't know and don't get introduced to is such a classic show move. At that point you just smoke the weed they pass to you and move out of the way when they take a group picture. Always french exit at the perfect moments. Head to your seats and if he texts you later about where you went you ignore him. You'll thank me later. Hike up to your seats and pray you sit next to some viking hotties. You won't but theres always a chance you could end up in a Mary-Kate and Ashley movie scenario. So Ozzy. My love. In my honest opinion I think he needs to start living again. Don't worry about anything. You are old. You do you now, Prince of Darkness. Head banging wasn't the same at this place. Everyone was sitting down in our section (R2. The nose bleeders we call em). Two girls drinking from a flask after 32oz of 15 dollar beers. Blow smoke into everyone who remembers the 70's faces and maybe they'll remember what it was like to be in their 20's. Nod off at Fred 62 and then wake up in your outfit at 7am for a meeting. Live life because there's always hope you are going to die tomorrow.